


Siegbert Says a Swear

by BigFake



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 17:22:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14218023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigFake/pseuds/BigFake
Summary: Oh no! Siegbert's said a swear, and Xander must find out who taught it to him. A tale of mystery





	Siegbert Says a Swear

         “ **WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?** ”

         Xander was mad. Furious, even. He’d worried about his son growing up too fast before (which… he had, given the whole Deeprealms thing) but this was new territory entirely. Siegbert, you see, had just said the “fuck” word. Not on purpose, but all the same. He also didn’t know that his father was present, made evident by his reaction.

         “Father! I-I, um… I said ‘heck’! Yes,” Siegbert lied (poorly).

         “Don’t lie to me, son. Who taught you how to use such foul language?” Xander looked his son in the eyes.

         “What language? I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Siegbert stammered.

         Xander knew he wasn’t going to get anywhere on this with Siegbert, and stormed off in a huff. He was determined to get to the bottom of this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

         Shiro was in his room, doing something close to nothing, when he heard a firm knock at his door. He got up and opened his door to find Xander staring down at him with the eyes of an executioner. Shiro blinked.

         “Hey, dude. What’s up?” Shiro propped himself up against the wall with his arm, like a cool person.

         “You know what is ‘sup’, Shiro. I’ve seen you gallivanting about with my son, and I believe you taught him how to say swears.” Xander remained planted where he stood, like stone.

         “Such as… ?” Shiro raised an eyebrow at him, like a cool person.

         “... It starts with the letter F.” Xander grew impatient.

         “Now, what’s so wrong with saying ‘family’? That’s not a bad word at all.” Shiro chuckled, like a cool person.

         “You know exactly what I mean, Shiro. Do you want me to tell your father that his son has been using foul language and hurting the image of the royal family?” Xander was annoyed by Shiro’s deflection, but unmoved in his resolve to find out who taught his son how to use swears.

         “Whoa, don’t have a cow, man. I’ll tell you, he already knew it when I met him.” Shiro replied.

         “I’m not entirely sure I believe that.” Xander was telling the truth regarding his opinion on whether Shiro was.

         “The first time I said it in front of him, he got super embarrassed about it. He wouldn’t have gotten embarrassed if he didn’t know what it meant already, dude.” Shiro shrugged.

         “And who taught you how to use cuss words?” Xander asked.

         “Azama.” To Shiro, this wasn’t snitching or a new development. He’d had this conversation with his own father long ago, and Ryoma had accepted surprisingly quickly that his son knew how to say the “fuck” word.

         “Then I’ll have to speak with Azama about the proper types of language to use around royalty.” Xander already didn’t know how they tolerated Azama over in Hoshido, but had grown used to it. Now that it seemed to have spread over to his own family, though, he was going to put some fear into Azama. He walked away quickly.

         “Whatever, dude. Eat my shorts.” Shiro closed the door behind Xander, who had neglected to do so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

         Azama was meditating (or sunbathing, depending who you asked) when a large and imposing shadow blocked the Sun from him. He didn’t open his eyes, yet knew the culprit anyway.

         “Xandy boy, I’m going to have to ask you to move. You’re going to mess up my tan.” Azama said exhaustedly, as though this wasn’t the first time this had happened to him today.

         “Only after you explain to me why Siegbert is using filth words.” Xander didn’t move.

         “... Who?” Azama managed to convey a comedically timed blink, despite his eyes remaining closed.

         “Siegbert. My son.” Xander still didn’t move.

         “... Wait, you had one of those? Huh, congratulations.” Azama genuinely hadn’t heard that Xander’s child had not only been born, but was out of the Deeprealms.

         “Azama. If you didn’t teach my son how to swear, could you at least tell me who did?” Xander was still blocking the Sun’s rays from reaching Azama.

         There was a brief period of silence. It was as though Azama hadn’t heard him.

         “Azama.” Xander repeated.

         “Sorry,” replied Azama, finally. “I was talking with my people about it. Anyway, it was one of your siblings.”

         “Could I hear which?” Xander was losing his patience.

         “No.”

         Xander took a deep breath. “Fine. I only have three, I can narrow it down myself. I don’t need your help for that.” And at that, he started walking away.

         “Whatever, dude. Eat my shorts.” Azama laid back down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

         Camilla was smoking a pipe in the manner of a lesbian when Xander knocked on her door, perhaps firmer than he’d knocked on Shiro’s. He was growing tired of this wild goose chase he’d been thrown on. Camilla opened the door.

         “Ah, Xander! And to what do I owe the pleasure of a visit?” Camilla was concerned as to why Xander looked angrier than she’d seen him in a long while, but kept up the pleasant facade.

         “My son used a naughty word, one I’ve heard you use quite a few times. I was told one of my siblings had taught it to him, but wasn’t told which.” Xander explained.

         “And you’d think that of me? Why, Xander, I’m hurt.” Camilla feigned insult. “But no, I’ve not spoken with your son about sex. I’m surprised you haven’t given him the talk yet, to be honest. He’s getting to be that age.”

         “Don’t remind me,” Xander said under his breath as he walked away. Camilla sighed and closed the door behind him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

         Xander stood in the hallway and shouted into the closed room because he was growing tired of this.

         “Leo! Did you teach my precious son how to use sewer words?”

         From the room, a muffled shout: “No.”

         “Okay!” Xander shouted back, and left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

         This made no sense at all. Azama had pointed towards a sibling of his as the one to have taught his sweet boy how to use toilet language, and yet Camilla and Leo both seemed to be innocent. Azama could commune with spirits, had he summoned the ghost of one of his dozens of dead siblings simply to teach Siegbert how to say “fuck”? That was an oddly specific prank, and one that sounded like entirely too much effort for Azama to have done. Was Azama referring to Corrin? No, Corrin couldn’t have, she was too busy in her treehouse. There was no possible culprit! Unless...

         “Oh, fuck! I can’t believe you’ve done this!”

         Xander had his answer.

         He immediately opened the door and shouted Elise’s name, furious that now she also apparently knew garbage words.

         “Hey! We were in the middle of play-time!” Elise yelled, upset at being interrupted. Effie and Arthur were there too, and didn't quite know what to make of Xander's sudden presence.

         “I heard you use the bad word that my son said earlier today! You taught it to him!” Xander said, raising his voice for the first time that day.

         “What?! No, I didn’t!” Elise said indignantly.

**A Month Earlier**

         “Hey, Sieggy! Wanna know some bad words?”

**Present Day**

         “... Okay, maybe I did. But so what? It’s not like he’s using them every day.” Elise crossed her arms and looked away from Xander.

         “He used them once where I could hear, that was enough. I won’t be upset with you, though, if you just tell me who taught you how to swear.” Xander tried to sound calmer than he had before.

         “I’m not gonna narc on my cool friend, bro.” Elise remained steadfast.

         Just as Xander had given up on getting anything out of Elise, he noticed Arthur visibly sweating off to the side, unacknowledged. He knew something.

         “Arthur? Is there something you’d like to tell me?” Xander said slowly and with a hint of menace.

         Arthur immediately broke down crying and dropped to his knees. “It was Niles! Niles has been teaching her how to say bad words! I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner, but Elise didn’t want me to!“

         “What the fuck, Arthur!” Elise yelled.

         “C’mon, bro. Not cool.” Effie said, in agreement.

         “You deal with Arthur. I’m going to go have a word with Niles about what constitutes appropriate behavior around his liege’s siblings.” Xander left without another word.

         “Whatever, dude. Eat my shorts.” Elise said as she closed the door behind him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

         “Niles.” Leo said calmly. No later than immediately after he’d spoken, Niles emerged from the shadows.

         “You called, milord?” Niles spoke.

         “You might want to answer that.” Leo sounded tired. So tired.

         “Answer what?” Niles was being a shit and knew exactly what Leo was referring to, yet chose to play coy. If he’d been asking genuinely, though, his answer would arrive almost immediately after: A muffled yet loud “ **NILES** ” bellowed from beneath. Leo gave him a look. Niles sighed and left without another word.

         Xander found it ridiculous that Leo made no perceivable effort to restrain his retainer from using swears and other innuendos, and felt a strong need to give him a talking to. Niles’s own disgusting mouth had spoken the “fuck” word upon Elise, who had repeated it to Siegbert. Now, Xander wanted to show him what was what. Niles appeared and Xander immediately stepped up close to him as a show of intimidation.

         “Oh my, Xander! A prince getting so up close and personal with a lowly retainer like me… What would people say? And aren’t you married? Not that I’d mind if she joined us~” Niles winked, having to put in a little extra effort to communicate that he'd winked and hadn't just blinked.

         “Cut it, Niles. I need to know why you taught Elise and, by proxy, my son how to speak gutter words.” Niles took a pause, then chuckled.

         “Oh, prince… I didn’t teach her the word… “

**Several Months Prior**

         “Hey, Niles! What does ‘fuck’ mean?”

         Niles spat out his drink. His liege’s younger sister had just asked him what “fuck” means. This wasn’t something he’d ever considered could happen, but here it was.

         “... How do you know what that even is?” Niles asked.

         “Father stubbed his toe getting up to the throne and he said it real loud.” Elise replied nonchalantly.

         “Huh. Shouldn’t you be asking your own retainers, or Xander, or Garon?“ Niles was just confused at this point.

         “Effie didn’t know it either, Arthur started crying, and you know Xander and Garon won’t tell me what it means.” Elise explained.

         “Fair. Anyway, it means… “

**Present Day**

         Xander was left speechless, after Niles told him what had happened. So his own father had been the one to teach Elise and Siegbert the “fuck” word... Oh well, he supposed. They were already rebelling against Garon by allying with Hoshido, and the man had been revealed to be a vessel of Anankos. Xander wondered, had Anankos technically been the one to reveal horrible sludge words to his sister and son? It didn’t matter, because Xander would have his revenge anyway. Anankos would regret the day he taught Elise and Siegbert what the word “fuck” was.

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, my first fanfic. Proofread by @JamesPeppersalt


End file.
